


swallow me with greed

by scepticallyopenminded



Series: 15 day lyrics challenge - 2k18 [4]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Blink And You Miss It Slash, Depression, Hopeful Ending, Implied Relationships, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Trauma, barely there references to their previous management, bc apparently I can't help it., present day, x factor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-07 18:20:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16858999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scepticallyopenminded/pseuds/scepticallyopenminded
Summary: It’s been two and a half, almost three years, god, but Louis feels the pang in his chest the same as it’s been since nineteen, maybe twenty.  And he feels dumb, because who getstraumafrom becomingfamous? Even harder because of how easily Niall and Harry seem to have moved on, and even Zayn, damn. Only Liam really kind of understands, and even then they don’t really talk about it.





	swallow me with greed

**Author's Note:**

> lyrics from English-translation of "The Last" by Agust D: "My greed which was my weapon turned into something that would swallow me up, ruin me, and sometimes put a chain on me/They block my mouth and tell me to swallow the forbidden fruit/I don’t want it, but they want me to leave the garden” I used a different translation that I think is less literal but sounds more poetic/songlike in English for the title. 
> 
> well your local Nouis bitch is back at it again. while I was reading the lyrics and listening to the song I couldn't get it out of my head that this was 100% a Louis song. I feel it in my bones. so I wrote it.
> 
> it's technically supposed to take place during some part of this last season of X Factor but I know like almost nothing about X Factor except little bits from series 7 when 1D was in it, so lemme know if anything is like really badly done. thanks. also if anything else needs tagging, or my lingo is shit bc hey let's face it I'm american.

There’s a lot that Louis’ gotten used to over the last few weeks, few months, and few years, and it’s relatively hard to surprise him anymore because he’s been through, well, quite a bit. But he _certainly_ doesn’t expect to walk backstage after a rehearsal one week and see Niall Horan laughing with Anthony at some joke. He slows down a bit, wondering for a moment if he’s hallucinating because not only has it been a while since he’s seen Niall, but they usually let each other know when they’ll be somewhere they might meet.

It just feels out of the blue, especially since it’s _rehearsals_ , not even the actual show.

Niall looks over at him as he gets closer, and his face lights up.

“Lou!” he says loudly, and Louis lets the grin split his face in return as he closes the space between them quickly, pulling Niall into one of those handshake hug things.

“Niall, mate, how’re you?” he asks, and when they pull back there’s something in Niall’s eyes, sparkling and amused and something else, too. Louis gulps, separates, Niall keeping one hand on Louis’ shoulder and wow, okay, memories spring up that Louis’ll never really forget, but they’re stronger, here with him.

“In th’ area, nothin’ to do, thought I’d stop by and take ye out to supper.”

“Didja?” Louis asks, eyebrows raised but smile firm on his face, glancing over at Anthony to see if he’d detected anything in Niall’s voice, but he seems oblivious, standing and grinning at the two of them, or maybe in his own head as he _should_ be because this competition isn’t something to blow your nose at; it takes a lot of hard work and dedication, Louis knows that from personal experience and now more than ever.

“Thought we’d go to yer favourite place.” Niall makes a face, raising his eyebrows a couple of times, and Louis has to laugh. Some things never change.

“In that case,” Louis agrees, and gestures Anthony toward the stage before switching gears back to Niall, “You good to stick around for a bit?”

Niall shrugs, slides his hand down a little to Louis’ upper arm.

“Like I said, nothin’ better ta do.”

Louis nods, and they stare at each other for a long moment before he takes a breath, steps away to follow Anthony.

It’s another three hours before he ends up leaving the studio, most everyone having left at least fifteen minutes before him. Amazingly, Niall’s stuck around through the entire thing, always just out of reach of Louis and careful to stay out of the way, but he’s been a distraction none the less and it’s been a while since Louis’ felt quite like this. Thankfully, nobody seems to notice except Niall himself, who looks on with amusement every time Louis’ eyes slide over to him.

He grabs the coat he’d worn that morning, a bit of chill in the air on his way in, and heads out the backdoor, Niall on his heels. Soon as they’re out he pulls a cig out of his pocket, lights up even as Niall grunts out a “Louis,” beside him, disappointment evident in his voice.

“Don’t start now,” Louis warns, a bit of laughter in his own voice because it’s been a while since _that_ , too, but it’s so on brand for Niall it’s laughable.

“Jus’ don’t like it, s’all.” Niall shrugs, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walk toward the car park. He sniffs.

“You drive?”

“’Course,” Louis confirms, waving his hand over in the direction of his car, “Good to leave it here though if you wanna kip at my place and drop me back off in the morn, though.”

“Yeah,” Niall agrees, “Might hang out tomorrow, too, s’long as I’m not in tha way.”

Louis laughs, tossing his cig in the bin at the end of the dock as he follows Niall toward his car.

“You bored?”

Niall shrugs.

“Jus’…got a few days off, it’s this or watching a dozen matches and catchin’ up at home.”

“Feel like you’d normally rather that than this,” Louis points out, and Niall shrugs again, pulling keys out of his pocket and unlocking the car in front of them. Louis’ never seen it before, figures it must be a new lease, sleek and black and discreet.

“Been a while, suppose, and knew you were here.”

They slip into the car, Louis tossing his coat into the backseat and it’s not until they’re out of the park and on the way to the restaurant Niall speaks again.

“How’re you doing?”

The inflection is everything, Louis immediately picking up on what Niall’s asking and _ah_ , that makes sense. It’s been two and a half, almost three years, god, but Louis feels the pang in his chest the same as it’s been since nineteen, maybe twenty.  And he feels dumb, because _who_ gets _trauma_ from becoming famous? Even harder because of how easily Niall and Harry seem to have moved on, and even Zayn, damn. Only Liam really kind of understands, and even then they don’t really talk about it.

Louis needs another cigarette, but knows Niall will absolutely not stand for it in his car. He sucks in a breath, only answers when they’re at a light and Niall reaches over, takes his hand, looks at him with concern in his face.

“Some days are better than others,” he replies, let’s Niall play with his fingers as the light turns green and they move on.

“You think about doing what I said?”

Louis sighs, gripping Niall’s hand a bit tighter. He knows exactly what Niall’s talking about; he’s suggested more than once seeing a therapist, but god, his are _such_ first world problems. He can’t imagine than anyone who hasn’t been through the same things is ever going to understand what’s going on in his head.

“Not yet.”

Niall hums, but doesn’t push, and that’s one reason Louis’ felt okay with divulging all of this to him. He’s there, he listens, he gives advice and stands his ground on it, but he doesn’t try to make Louis do things that he doesn’t want to do. They’re quiet for a few more moments until another stoplight.

“You wanna get takeout and eat at your place instead?” Niall asks, and Louis isn’t surprised, but a surge goes through him, maybe happiness, that even now Niall knows him.

“Yeah,” he agrees. If anywhere, he’d rather be back at his own house right now, with Niall there as a shoulder to cry on if need be. Everything feels too bright, now, and he needs to be okay by tomorrow when he has to be the mentor, again.

“Sorry for bringin’ it up.”

“Nah,” Louis disagrees, looking over and watching Niall’s profile as he’s driving, “It’s alright. Been a too busy last couple of months, haven’t really been able to think too much about it.”

Niall laughs, amusement traced with cynicism.

“Ta think tha’s what we tried ta get away from, too.”

Louis huffs in return, because yeah. It kind of is, and look at them now.

“’m glad you’re here,” he says, “Missed you.”

Niall glances over, soft smile on his face, and he brings up their hands, still intertwined, to give a light kiss to the back of Louis’.

“Love you,” he says lowly, barely there. Louis doesn’t say it back, he never does, and the pang in his chest doesn’t go away just like that. He doesn’t fully know if it ever will, but it does make it a little lighter, having Niall here with him, and he thinks that if he has any chance of being who he once was and who he thinks he’s supposed to be, it’s a better chance with Niall there taking care of him.

He looks back out the window, overlooking London from their place right now taking them probably to get a Chinese then to Louis’ house, lights shining as the nightlife of the city starts getting going, and squeezes Niall’s hand three times in succession.

Maybe, for now, that’s enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> find me at times @[asocialfoxpaw](http://asocialfoxpaw.tumblr.com)
> 
> pls don't post on goodreads or like sites. I thank you in advance.
> 
> p.s. embarrassing but this bitch has a fuckin' BA in English/Creative Writing and somehow mixed up you're/your three times in this. thankfully she did catch it while editing. let me know if I missed any others bc my brain when it's tired completely forgets everything about grammar and English.


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